Diary of an Aref – The Chaos within.

    chaos within
    chaos within

    The hardest thing for me has been to ascertain what I really want out of this life. Sometimes it seems like love of my life would quench the thirst of my soul, sometimes it seems like one That’s my boy from my father will suffice, but mostly my heart wanders in the wild of nature, looking for answers what do I really want, and what am I really meant for. Not many things excite me, I am peaceful, but sometimes it seems like it is because of a long lull and an unchanged course of my life. It feels good to be calm, but it has been too silent for too long. My mind has started wandering about why and what of life. I have been looking for the answers of them for quite some time. I read books that try to scientifically answer reason behind everything or at least claim to give answers about everything. I find them attractive and the question in my mind drives me to read them to the end. However, they start simple and complicate things out of understanding; it seems the summary of them is the future generation might hold all the answers. It is frustrating; coz I do not know what future really holds and so does nobody, it seems a simple trick by scientists to dodge the bullet by themselves. Well whatever they are trying, I am not satiated by their versions of theory of everything. I cannot believe that life and for that matter, everything in the universe can be so complicated. It can be big and elegant beyond the comprehension of hazy minds, but it sure cannot be so complicated. I do not find good cause to live, there is no world to save, there is no love to defend, and there is no magic, no big war. It is too peaceful, it might sound crazy, but nothing drives me for any work except for the fact that it has to be done to live. The word “live” is a big word; it comes out of life and means so big, like the word hope, the best of the words. Nevertheless, time after time the question remains the same “are we really living?” I do not feel it, all the rush all the thrust to achieve ‘money’ seems a wasted life. It earns you things, which does not make you happy, some amount of self-satisfaction, might be, but not the happiness. May be this could be because I do not hail from a family where I would have to struggle for a piece of bread or a piece of cloth. I may have been more thankful and may be more satisfied and more engaged in a life of chasing those luxuries that I would have been deprived of. However, I am not, and that is a fact, which has left me wandering over the deepest questions of life. It frustrates me somehow that I do not have any clue as to where to start. I have heard, read and watched (in movies and serials) that going to a secluded and calm place and meditating for 12 years might help me attain salvation. Honestly, salvation is not what I need. I need the story of my life, a story that we all long for. A story whose main character are we, which when looked upon gives us the satisfaction of having a life and living it. I sometimes feel like too safe from the wild changes that nature can bestow us. For the time is an agent of change and with no changes, it seems so still.

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